Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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