God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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