Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
