The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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