Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
