I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Hippo gnu deer
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
