i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
