My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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