There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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