I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
