i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
