omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
