hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
