The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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