Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Drunk is not a location!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
