I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
