So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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