I think I won the penis lottery.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Can I color on your dick again?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
