i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
