She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
