i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
