What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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