you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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