If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
