I wanna passion pit in your ass
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
