Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
