I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
