I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
there was a trapeze. enough said
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
