Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
