i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
