I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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