It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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