saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
