if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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