i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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