she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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