I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
