She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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