It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
