god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
