You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
