You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just want to make out with him forever
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
