he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
