Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
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