I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
How does one acquire holy water?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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