Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
