NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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