can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
