I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
it's like iHOP with fire
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
