dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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