Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
