Just took my morning after pill in the library
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
