So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
