I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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