chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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