hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize