i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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