If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
