ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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