He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
