Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
