Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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